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Monday, September 22, 2014

Sponsored Post: Silver Lake therapist advises how to ask for what you want

Silver Lake psychotherapist, Matt Casper MFT, gives his expert advice on asking for what you want.


When I ask my clients: “What is it that you want?”  “What is it that you need?”often the response is silence or confusion.  It seems that these questions aren’t typically thought about. But here’s the thing: it’s normal and okay to ask for what you want.  In fact, you should ask for what you want. Why?

Otherwise you won’t get it.   Learning to directly ask for what you want can often be the real challenge.

Here’s a story of someone indirectly asking for what they want…

Here’s a story of someone indirectly asking for what they want…
Person A in the relationship really likes to be given flowers as a reminder of the affection of Person B.  So, Person A constantly gives Person B the most amazing bouquet of flowers (like,weekly) to try and send the message to Person B that flowers are what Person A really wants in order to feel appreciated.

Indirect communication, right?

In addition to this communication problem, Person B hates flowers. But, because Person B doesn’t want to hurt the feelings of Person A, and Person B is afraid to ask for what Person B wants (which is to stop with all the flowers) Person B fakes enthusiasm when given the flowers by Person A.

Making things worse, Person A is an aware and intuitive person, and therefore knows that Person B is faking enthusiasm and therefore interprets this lack of enthusiasm to mean that Person B does not show appreciation for Person A (which is what Person A wanted in the first place!)

Okay, then.  How about a short story about direct communication…

Person A:
“Honey, I would really like you to bring me flowers every once in a while.  It makes me feel appreciated and loved. I particularly love sunflowers.  In a vase.  A blue vase.”

Person B:
“Of course!  I didn’t know you liked sunflowers. Or blue vases.  You know what would make me feel really loved and appreciated is that instead of bringing me flowers, you would email or call me more when you are traveling for work. I miss you when you’re gone.”

I’m pretty sure that A and B are more likely to get what they want in the second story.

So, please,  try and communicate directly with friends, family, co-workers and partners and directly ask for what you want.

You deserve it.

Matt Casper, MFT will be appearing at the West Hollywood Book Fair this Sunday, October 2nd  from 9 a.m – 6 p.m., signing copies of his books from his Emotes Book Series by Evergrow; a series to help kids and adults learn to identify, understand, and express emotions.